One of the most painful and damaging dynamics that can be created when a relationship breaks up is that of parental alienation or resulting estrangement between parents and children. Break-ups happen for many reasons, but in the grief and loss, anger becomes ubiquitous. And self-centered or simply less self-aware parents may be temped to use children as weapons against one another, often convincing themselves they are doing it to protect the kids.
Parental alienation is the practice of making implicit or explicit demands of loyalty from the children to one parent. The other may be undermined with constant bad-mouthing, or be explicitly slandered as a bad or dangerous person. The vengeful parent may project their own behavior onto the other parent. They frequently use gaslighting to curate an altered worldview the children are pressured to accept.
Children are encouraged or manipulated to express a desire to remain with the custodial parent, whether they truly prefer this exclusivity or not. Over time, kids come to accept the narrative of the parent pushing alienation because it is the easiest path to peace, while silencing parts of themselves and burying their own grief to pacify an unreasonable parent. Eventually, estrangement results.
Whether coming from insecurity, with fear that children do not have enough love to go around, or a desire to punish the other adult by blocking them from an ongoing relationship with the children, building barriers between kids and their core support systems will cause deep and lasting harm every time. Relationships cannot simply be replaced by the new people brought into their lives.
Parental alienation causes children to feel lonely, confused, sad, and anxious. They are more likely to experience depression, to use illicit drugs, and to engage in delinquent behavior as they grow up. Parental alienation undermines children’s core ability to trust in relationships, their confidence that others are reliable and will be there for them. This doesn’t just attack their connection to the parent being targeted, but causes deep and lasting harm to their attachment security that will bleed into secondary harms in intimate relationships throughout life. And, though the vengeful parent may not anticipate it or see the evidence right away, it will create distance and damage to their own relationship with their kids.
This week, I had the privilege of chatting with John Rinaldo of The Positive Pen and Stories, Soulwork, & Substack podcast about the tricky and painful dynamics of parental alienation and estrangement after separation or divorce. John generously shared his own experience of alienation from his three children and the hard decisions he eventually felt led to make for their well-being and his own.
We had some challenges on the tech side, so this interview references two parts that have here been stitched together. (Thank you for your gracious understanding to everyone who tuned in live, including Richard Hogan, MD, PhD(2), DBA, Jocelyne 🇨🇦, Karen May, and many more, and for hanging in there with us through the foibles!)
In this conversation, we move from defining parental alienation and estrangement, to discussing the impacts on children and on parents, and toward the question of how to respond, heal, and move toward cultivating a life of hope and optimism.
Have you been impacted by parental alienation, either as a child or a parent? How did or do you cope? What steps have you found helpful to protect your relationships - or rebuild them after childhood estrangement?
And finally, the big question I had for John, I present to you: How does this pain drive you to cultivate a more positive world? Please share in the comments below!
I hope you enjoyed this week’s interview. I’ll be back with more written content soon!
With warm hopes for a kinder world built together,
Deborah
