This weekend I had the opportunity to chat with Sue of the Substack page Confidence Matters by Sue Reid. Our recent work has intersected on the important topic of boundaries, so we decided to hop on a Live call to chat about how boundaries support healthy relationships. Thank you to everyone who tuned in on Friday!
We discussed the common fear that setting boundaries may push others away - or that others’ boundaries are a signal of rejection.
And when life has taught us to fear rejection, that we are vulnerable to being cast aside and abandoned, that anxious attachment pattern can amplify a sense of danger around boundaries.
The irony and danger, though, is when we fear rejection, and in so doing push back against others’ boundaries in an attempt to maintain closeness, we hasten the very outcome we try to avoid. By pushing past others’ boundaries we demonstrate disrespect for their needs and for them as individuals. We express, unintentionally, excessive focus on our own wants and needs. And this communicated disrespect tends to feel flooding, suffocating, and overwhelming to the person needing and asking for more space - further entrenching the distance → anxious pursual → distance cycle.
Conversely, the person with avoidant attachment, for whom relationships feel innately dangerous and distance feels protective, does not fear boundaries but may misuse and overuse them as tools of control.
In a healthy dynamic, boundaries are not about creating distance or about rejection, but about self-love and self-care for the person setting the boundary. The boundary establishes parameters that person needs to feel healthy and well-regulated. And when we love someone, we want that for them. This understanding and awareness can make it easier to accept the lines we might not have personally drawn.
In this episode, we also discussed what to do when others transgress your boundary. Boundary setting involves three elements: identification of the need, communication of the boundary that protects the need, and a follow-through action if or when that boundary is violated - because it is rare that a new boundary is accepted without friction in an established relationship. Sometimes boundaries are breached through misunderstanding or forgetfulness. And sometimes it indicates indifferent defiance.
Reinforcing action seldom means estrangement - at least not initially. In a healthy relationship, hurt is identified and conflict is addressed directly. Boundary violations might lead to a step backward to reinforce their seriousness in an act of self-respect, but there remains room to try again and rebuild trust. Emotional intelligence involves the courage and fortitude to remain present within pain and the relational skill to move through and resolve conflicts.
Repeated boundary violations that indicate flagrant disrespect and contempt for you, your needs, and your wishes may lead eventually toward ending a relationship as a last resort to protect your emotional and physical needs. The speed and distance with which you retreat will be guided by the seriousness of the violations.
Finally, be careful that you are not the one who violates your own boundaries through failure to follow-through on your expressed intention or to stand up for yourself. While you cannot control how others respond, you must first of all be true to yourself and honor your own needs. This means listening to your heart, to that quiet voice inside you that expresses discomfort, honoring what your intuition whispers. Slow down so you can listen.
Be still. Be strong. And be loving to yourself.
You deserve the boundaries that protect you.
from my heart to yours,
Deborah
Below is a guided practice for softening the fear that boundaries will cost you connection — and for strengthening the part of you that knows you can remain close to others without leaving yourself. This meditation is available for paid subscribers. If you’re wanting deeper support in embodying the work we talk about here, I’d love to have you join us.
