Stolen Futures

The hidden trauma of child marriage—and the coercion we fail to see

“Do you do premarital counseling for minors?” the voice on the line wanted to know.

I hesitated, trying to make sense of the words. “Teenagers?”

“Yes. Do you support that?”

I felt stuck. I asked more questions, trying to understand why a parent would request this for their child. Should I accept this young client couple, in hopes I might help them explore the dubious wisdom of so premature a decision; explore pressure or coercion or trauma contributing to this truncation of childhood? But a therapist is not there to press our own belief systems on clients. Would I be doing that? Or would it be wrong to turn away from so vulnerable a situation?

My hesitation was all the answer they needed. They moved on, digging into the quiet, underground circles within which child marriage is embraced in the USA.

That call has stayed with me.

Earlier this year, I shared notes celebrating new laws banning child marriage in Portugal, Maine, and Oklahoma. The viral responses of both disgust and defense made something clear: many people do not realize how common child marriage remains, nor how damaging its effects, both globally and here in the United States.

Photo by Céline Cao on Unsplash

Between 2000 and 2018, 300,000 children were married in the United States, some as young as ten years old. This averages 45 child marriages per day. While the data during these years shows a slow decline, it is unlikely to disappear as long as it remains legal. And as of this writing, 33 American states allow child marriage. Over 100 countries permit it, leading to 12 million child marriages per year around the world – nearly one every two seconds[i]. (You might be surprised to find this includes your own.) Many nations who denounce it as a human rights violation allow dangerous loopholes, so that it isn’t in effect banned, after all.

Child marriage is most common within religious circles, either because of limiting patriarchal beliefs about the purpose and value of girls, or to cover up and justify forbidden sex or rape that led to pregnancy. Nearly every marriage involving children is of a female child, usually to a much older male. Child marriage is not the sole problem of one religion, but happens in Hindu, Catholic, Muslim, and Evangelical circles.

Child marriage, to include teen marriage, has many damaging effects. It:

· Creates unequal power dynamics. Most marriages of children are between a girl and a much older male. Those interested in marrying someone significantly younger are not of an egalitarian mindset, and are therefore prone to use of force.

· Traps children in relationships that may be abusive from the start or are highly likely to become so, as minors are not legally able to sign contracts to hire attorneys nor to file for divorce. Child brides, being minors, become the legal dependents of their spouses. Should they run away, the law (police or social services) will return them to their spouse. Domestic violence shelters will not take unaccompanied children. There is no escape.

· Creates a veneer of legitimacy over a relationship that, were it purely sexual and not institutionalized as marriage, would likely be criminal (statutory rape / pedophilia) depending on the age gap and the local jurisdiction. If a child or teen cannot legally consent to sex, they should not be able to consent to marriage – or forced into one by an adult signing consent on their behalf.

· Leads to loss of self-esteem, trauma, and degradation / devaluation as a sexual object and domestic servant.

· Limits the educational opportunities of girls who are often pregnant already or will quickly become so. This entraps them in a cycle that will be very difficult to escape, and limits economic and self-sufficiency options. Child brides (and grooms) have low rates of high school completion. A girl without education is statistically likely to live her life in poverty.

· Widens gender gaps of opportunity.

· Leads to a higher rate of physical illness, to include greater cancer incidence.

Marriages between children seventeen and younger are generally coercive from the start. It may be based in rape or consensual sex resulting in pregnancy, pressuring the girl into marriage to cover up the crime or “sin” within a religious community. It may not even have resulted in pregnancy, but in religious circles where “purity” (virginity) is prized, the girl becomes “damaged goods” and the only redemption is to marry her rapist or sexual partner, whether he is an adult or also a teen.

These dynamics can be difficult to see from the inside. A teenager may sincerely believe she is choosing marriage while operating under intense pressure, shame, trauma, or religious conditioning. I know this because, as a teen, I nearly became one of those girls.

Shortly after I turned seventeen, I wrote a letter to my grandmother that I was planning to marry my boyfriend, a young adult. I wrote it on floral stationary that belied the dread I felt as I pictured this future of which I wrote so glowingly. I wrote that I believed this was God’s will for me. Yes, I believed that. No, it wasn’t what I wanted. But he had forced his way inside of me and I resigned myself to the belief that the only way to redeem my stolen worth was to marry him. I believed this until new traumas jolted me awake and I told him to leave me and never spoke to him again.

How grateful I am that I did not remain bound to one who overpowered me! How different my life would have been had I continued to confuse trauma for destiny. It took decades to heal the damage he caused me, but healing was possible because I am free.

Few children freely choose to give up their future with an early marriage. Many countries that speak out firmly against child marriage nevertheless leave carve-outs for children ages 16 and 17 to marry with parental consent. But parents are all-too-often abusive or misguided, and their ideals may not truly be in the best interests of the teen. If the law knows and research shows that child marriage is damaging, why give this power to parents? Why couldn’t a teenager wait a year or two to make this life-altering decision? Parents have so much influence and control over dependent minors, and a teenager’s “yes” may not be as freely given as it may seem.

Neuroscience and psychology demonstrate that an adolescent’s brain is not done developing until their mid-20’s – long after any such premature decisions may be made. Studies also show that early marriages are more likely to end, as those entering into marriage at young ages do not yet know themselves well enough to determine who might be an ideal partner. Yes, there are exceptions. But why tilt the scales in the direction of failure? Allowing children to make adult decisions is an unsupported premise, and every additional year of cognitive and emotional maturity is an added protective layer. There’s a reason children don’t serve in the military in democratic countries: when you are a child, you can’t sign legally binding contracts because it is understood you do not yet have the cognitive capability to fully comprehend the gravity of your decision. This isn’t about personal maturity, but the inarguable truths of physical brain development.

There is no good reason to allow any loopholes for minors to marry. There are a host of reasons to protect them and prohibit it. If we condemn child marriage as a human rights violation abroad, why do we allow it at home?

Every child deserves the right to become an adult before being pressured – whether directly or through cultural or religious influences - to make an adult commitment. To become and to know who they are before deciding with whom to share themselves. To build the future they want to live, whether in partnership or alone.

Childhood is not an obstacle to be circumvented. It is a stage of life to be protected.

If child marriage is still permissible where you live, write to your state legislator or your parliamentarian today. Here are some resources to get you started:

https://www.girlsnotbrides.org/en/take-action/

https://actionnetwork.org/petitions/stop-child-marriage-in-the-us

https://www.wvi.org/ittakesaworld/end-child-marriage/petition

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I’m Deborah Vinall, PsyD, LMFT, a trauma therapist and author exploring trauma, relationships, belonging, and the complicated work of being human.

My books—including Gaslighting: A Step-by-Step Recovery Guide and Trauma Recovery Workbook for Teens—have helped readers around the world understand and heal from relational and other forms of trauma and find their way back to themselves.

Here on Mental Health Musings, I explore those themes more personally, blending clinical insight with reflection, and occasionally sharing guided meditations and resources for healing.

If this kind of work speaks to you, I invite you to subscribe to receive future reflections and guided resources.

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[i] https://www.girlsnotbrides.org/articles/8-child-marriage-myths-bust-international-womens-day-2017/