What If We Just Showed Up?
grief, confidence, online dating, and the longing to be received as we are
I’ve been struggling to know what or how to write. How to be, really. As so many of you have gifted me space in your inbox and trusted me to bring you value through my words, I want to honor that trust.
The reality is my dear friend died this month. He was closer than a brother. We called each other family. We vacationed together, were guardians for one another’s children, we texted nearly every day, ate countless meals together.
And I don’t feel ready to put an inspirational bow on this; to force this formless grey into a pleasing shape. But, I can’t not write about him. I can’t think of much else. I feel afraid of pestering your inboxes without bringing value.
(This is the space where I wrote about that experience of loss, then deleted it. I may share more when the time is right. For now, I need to honor my “found family” ’s need for privacy.)
Days later, I was to leave on a trip to see my biological family. A rare reunion, a celebration of birthdays and milestones. As I wrestled with the decision to go or cancel, one thought came back again and again: I’m too exhausted to pretend. If I go to a celebration wearing a mantle of grief, I drag everyone down; if I go and try to summon lighthearted and humorous energy, to be likeable, I’m inappropriate. It feels like there’s no right answer.
It's the same theme; this fear that my grief will be too much.
Do you ever feel pressure to be what you feel others expect of you? Whether as a writer, here on Substack, with family, at work, or in other aspects of your life?
What if we just showed up? What would be the cost?
And what is the cost of holding back?
Perhaps if I’d gone, my family would have met me where I was. I’ll never know. I never gave them the chance.
What are the spaces where you can just show up? Where you can freely unmask, stop worrying if your jokes will land or if your fears or sorrow are too much? Who are the people who give you this gift of reception, of safety?
I know who my people are. And the grief is that I’ve just lost one of the dearest of them. But as I heal, I will surround myself with others.
I feel lonely this week, but I know I am not alone.
Thank you for your patience as I sort through the numbness of grief; as I allow myself humanity and honesty and space. I appreciate each of you so much.
From my heart to yours,
Deborah
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BONUS #1: Tomorrow I am going LIVE with
BONUS #2: I recently began a new paid writing job as Chief Psychological Consultant for Recovered.org. Here is the article that resulted from my first consultation interview with US News & World Report, on Taking Care of Your Mental Health While Using Dating Apps. A few thoughts I shared in this article:
One of the challenges in using dating apps is the pressure to look good in the profile picture just to capture other users’ attention long enough to engage is in juxtaposition to the need for authenticity.
In crafting your profile, be authentic about who you are. Posting what you think someone else might want may capture attention, but the connection may fizzle or trap you into playing a role that isn’t true to you.
While you shouldn’t just settle, it can be useful to distinguish your “must haves” from your “nice to haves” if you’re having many dates that you decide aren’t right for you. Is there room for grace on personality quirks while holding firm to ideals of shared values and being treated with respect?
To maintain your mental health while using dating apps, make time to get together with friends in real life and engage in activities that are just for you, that fill you up and that remind you of who you are away from the digital screen.
Tell me in the comments: do you or have you used a dating app? Which one(s)? How has your experience been? Any tips you’d share with fellow venturers in the online dating world?
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A deep loss is disorienting - there’s no path through this new space - you just have to keep on while being as gentle with yourself as you can manage. 😄
I am sorry for your loss. When my mother was killed (15 years ago) it felt like there was a hole in my life that was shaped like her and there could never be a way to fill that hole back in. With time I found other people in my life that fit (imperfectly) into parts of that Mom- shaped-puzzle-piece-hole. I hope time brings you to those other people in your life who will help fill the hole of your loved ones absence