You know this: the freeze response is a natural ANS response to fear and shock. Dave's behavior was unexpectedly aggressive. You were in a highly agitated state and your "thinking brain" went offline. It's just neurobiology operating in the service of your survival. Now, with time, and when calm, you can plan and act, and you are. I know that you know all of this. I just wanted to say it. You are using that traumatic experience to help others. Go you. It is the best that we can do when we can't unwind the past to fix it; instead we add good to the present and future.
Thank you for you compassionate words. It's true; freeze has often been my trauma response (at least with men) even when I wish it were always fight.
And there's also something useful about mental rehearsal. At 16, I had never entertained the thought of a hate crime (so naive). But when we stop and picture how we might respond, we are better empowered to take an active response should we encounter it in the future.
True. And if I had my way, a 16 year old--or anyone--wouldn't have to contemplate and mentally rehearse how to deal with hate crimes. Yet, we do. You weren't naive. You were a kid.
IT SHOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED.
And, the freeze response is the most prevalent response (especially during sexual violence--it occurs 70% of the time). It used to be evolutionarily adaptive. It just isn't always adaptive in our current world, and our neurobiology hasn't evolved to meet current threats. This freeze response IS changeable though. I have seen it in the work that we do via The Safety Team, and in my practice.
BTW, sometimes the freeze response can save your life. If you had tried to intervene, Dave might have hurt you too. In DV situations, I wouldn't necessarily recommend fighting back if you can't escape safely. Its complicated.
Thank you for this. Forty years ago, I witnessed the beating of a Black man in a barn in Virginia, by his "employer" who claimed that the man had let his horses out of their enclosure. It was dark, at night, and I didn't see the beating but I heard it very clearly, and it was brutal. I was shocked, and frozen. This is the first time that I have shared that experience with anyone, so great was my shame at not having "done" anything. I have carried that shame for forty years, but you have helped me get passed it. And I am no longer silent.
Oh Patti, I completely understand. This is the first time I told anyone about this experience too, though I think of it often. Like Dr Christine said, the freeze response is a natural trauma response. I understand the shame - it's like these violent men made us party to their assaults against our will - but I agree that we cannot receive the fault. Sending love to you!
"it's like these violent men made us party to their assaults against our will..." <--- This! But now seeing this for what it is, I can channel that energy to something good. We are even more powerful when we remember that we have agency. Love back to you!
You words gave me chills. The shame is not yours; it never truly was. It belongs to the aggressor. 100% of it. The fact that you felt shame demonstrates that you have a good heart. You felt badly. And, it wasn't your fault. I
I understand. I really do. Trauma--whatever its form- has a longtime echo.
May I suggest that you COULDN'T respond as opposed to didn't? subtle difference, and I mean no disrespect, but its neurobiology not a choice. In our trauma recovery program, and with my clients, I call the freeze response a 'brain reflex' albeit one, unlike other reflexes, you have to power to change, with practice over time. We don't blame ourselves when someone hits our knee with a hammer and the leg jerks up. Just a reflex, right? This is somewhat similar in that it is an automatic, rapid, survival response, operating without conscious thought in an effort to keep us safe. I think I might write a whole thing on this topic! I'll call it something like: "You did what was possible...at that time." or something like that. Because, its true.
As a fellow MH clinician I am having many of the same thoughts as you, Dr. Vinall. I also happen to be one of those boys who was beaten up for being gay. It kept me hidden from being out until my mid-20s, and despite deep trauma work, still colors the way I navigate the world today. Thank you so much for writing this, from all the queer kids like me who didn't have anyone to help them back then.
Oh Scott, I wish I could hug the little child you. I'm so glad you survived your attacks and hope you continue to heal as you also turn that pain into help and healing for others. Thank you for reading & commenting - I'm so glad you're here!
To those who say "we need straight pride", my question is: why? what are you ashamed of? As a gay man, I'm not proud that I'm gay. I'm proud that I'm not in the closet anymore.
So we do need "straight pride" — but a non-gay person can demonstrate that pride by not needing to shame gay people for being themselves, loving those they love, and showing that love by caring for everyone in need of care.
Thanks for your comment Dr Vinalli. But as a long time reader of Dante, the Gita, and the Heart Sutra, I'm made uneasy by too ready or too easy appeals of unconditional love. Why? Because the unconditional quality of love requires compassion. Which I think means the willingness to suffer with, but accept the rightness of the suffering of everyone's choices including your own. But that is entirely different from rejoicing in others suffering because they have chosen ‘wrongly. Here ends my sermon.
I haven't read all that you have, so we may not be speaking the same language. To me, every person is intrinsically valuable and worthy of love, and compassion is about seeing the humanity in a person even when we disagree with their choices. I don't agree that suffering is right, deserved, or just, or that all choices are right. That's just my personal framework. I'm no philosopher... 🙃
Again, thanks for the thoughtful comment. We’re in agreement on the essential dignity and worth of every individual. Suffering is part of living but not something that anyone is entitled to inflict on another. As you say our language probably differs.
Thank you for sharing this incredibly raw and powerful story. Your honesty about that moment on the motorcycle is truly brave, and the way you connect it to the ongoing need for Pride is deeply moving. It shows how our past experiences can shape our present commitment to peace and love.
It's inspiring to see how you've transformed that painful memory into such strong, defiant allyship. Thank you for your commitment to learning, growing, and being a beacon of love and peace for the LGBTQ+ community. 🏳️🌈
Thank you for sharing your trauma in such a way that fosters growth and evolution. It take as much courage to break the silence as it does to break the closet doors.
You know this: the freeze response is a natural ANS response to fear and shock. Dave's behavior was unexpectedly aggressive. You were in a highly agitated state and your "thinking brain" went offline. It's just neurobiology operating in the service of your survival. Now, with time, and when calm, you can plan and act, and you are. I know that you know all of this. I just wanted to say it. You are using that traumatic experience to help others. Go you. It is the best that we can do when we can't unwind the past to fix it; instead we add good to the present and future.
Thank you for you compassionate words. It's true; freeze has often been my trauma response (at least with men) even when I wish it were always fight.
And there's also something useful about mental rehearsal. At 16, I had never entertained the thought of a hate crime (so naive). But when we stop and picture how we might respond, we are better empowered to take an active response should we encounter it in the future.
True. And if I had my way, a 16 year old--or anyone--wouldn't have to contemplate and mentally rehearse how to deal with hate crimes. Yet, we do. You weren't naive. You were a kid.
IT SHOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED.
And, the freeze response is the most prevalent response (especially during sexual violence--it occurs 70% of the time). It used to be evolutionarily adaptive. It just isn't always adaptive in our current world, and our neurobiology hasn't evolved to meet current threats. This freeze response IS changeable though. I have seen it in the work that we do via The Safety Team, and in my practice.
BTW, sometimes the freeze response can save your life. If you had tried to intervene, Dave might have hurt you too. In DV situations, I wouldn't necessarily recommend fighting back if you can't escape safely. Its complicated.
It is indeed.
Thank you for this. Forty years ago, I witnessed the beating of a Black man in a barn in Virginia, by his "employer" who claimed that the man had let his horses out of their enclosure. It was dark, at night, and I didn't see the beating but I heard it very clearly, and it was brutal. I was shocked, and frozen. This is the first time that I have shared that experience with anyone, so great was my shame at not having "done" anything. I have carried that shame for forty years, but you have helped me get passed it. And I am no longer silent.
Oh Patti, I completely understand. This is the first time I told anyone about this experience too, though I think of it often. Like Dr Christine said, the freeze response is a natural trauma response. I understand the shame - it's like these violent men made us party to their assaults against our will - but I agree that we cannot receive the fault. Sending love to you!
"it's like these violent men made us party to their assaults against our will..." <--- This! But now seeing this for what it is, I can channel that energy to something good. We are even more powerful when we remember that we have agency. Love back to you!
You words gave me chills. The shame is not yours; it never truly was. It belongs to the aggressor. 100% of it. The fact that you felt shame demonstrates that you have a good heart. You felt badly. And, it wasn't your fault. I
Thank you for sharing.
Well said. Because those times when we were so shocked we didn't respond will haunt us forever.
I understand. I really do. Trauma--whatever its form- has a longtime echo.
May I suggest that you COULDN'T respond as opposed to didn't? subtle difference, and I mean no disrespect, but its neurobiology not a choice. In our trauma recovery program, and with my clients, I call the freeze response a 'brain reflex' albeit one, unlike other reflexes, you have to power to change, with practice over time. We don't blame ourselves when someone hits our knee with a hammer and the leg jerks up. Just a reflex, right? This is somewhat similar in that it is an automatic, rapid, survival response, operating without conscious thought in an effort to keep us safe. I think I might write a whole thing on this topic! I'll call it something like: "You did what was possible...at that time." or something like that. Because, its true.
Completely true. Trauma shifts neural energy from the speech region of the brain (Broca's) to the amygdala to focus on danger response and survival.
As a fellow MH clinician I am having many of the same thoughts as you, Dr. Vinall. I also happen to be one of those boys who was beaten up for being gay. It kept me hidden from being out until my mid-20s, and despite deep trauma work, still colors the way I navigate the world today. Thank you so much for writing this, from all the queer kids like me who didn't have anyone to help them back then.
Oh Scott, I wish I could hug the little child you. I'm so glad you survived your attacks and hope you continue to heal as you also turn that pain into help and healing for others. Thank you for reading & commenting - I'm so glad you're here!
To those who say "we need straight pride", my question is: why? what are you ashamed of? As a gay man, I'm not proud that I'm gay. I'm proud that I'm not in the closet anymore.
So we do need "straight pride" — but a non-gay person can demonstrate that pride by not needing to shame gay people for being themselves, loving those they love, and showing that love by caring for everyone in need of care.
The courage to be authentic and to love without restriction - that is something to be proud of and to celebrate! 🌈💗
Thanks for your comment Dr Vinalli. But as a long time reader of Dante, the Gita, and the Heart Sutra, I'm made uneasy by too ready or too easy appeals of unconditional love. Why? Because the unconditional quality of love requires compassion. Which I think means the willingness to suffer with, but accept the rightness of the suffering of everyone's choices including your own. But that is entirely different from rejoicing in others suffering because they have chosen ‘wrongly. Here ends my sermon.
I haven't read all that you have, so we may not be speaking the same language. To me, every person is intrinsically valuable and worthy of love, and compassion is about seeing the humanity in a person even when we disagree with their choices. I don't agree that suffering is right, deserved, or just, or that all choices are right. That's just my personal framework. I'm no philosopher... 🙃
Again, thanks for the thoughtful comment. We’re in agreement on the essential dignity and worth of every individual. Suffering is part of living but not something that anyone is entitled to inflict on another. As you say our language probably differs.
Thank you for sharing this incredibly raw and powerful story. Your honesty about that moment on the motorcycle is truly brave, and the way you connect it to the ongoing need for Pride is deeply moving. It shows how our past experiences can shape our present commitment to peace and love.
It's inspiring to see how you've transformed that painful memory into such strong, defiant allyship. Thank you for your commitment to learning, growing, and being a beacon of love and peace for the LGBTQ+ community. 🏳️🌈
Thank you for this, Kristina! I appreciate your support and solidarity! 💗🌈
I’m horrified by reality.
There are some really dark parts. And some beautiful parts, too. Don't lose sight! 🩵
Thank you for being brave enough to share your story.
Thank you, Mary. 💛
Thanks for sharing Debi. 🌈🏳️🌈💛
Thank you for re-sharing! I appreciate your support!
Thank you for sharing your trauma in such a way that fosters growth and evolution. It take as much courage to break the silence as it does to break the closet doors.
Thank you for being an ally.
Always. 🏳️🌈
Thank you.
💗
Unfortunately that’s how too many people react!
Thanks for sharing Dr. Vinall
Thank you for reading & sharing! 💚
No problem